In This Sweet Surrender

2003-05-25 ~ 5:03 p.m.
Emotions

I don't understand why I feel things so intensly. When I'm mad, I'm really mad. When I'm happy, I'm really happy. I'm never just blah, I'm always feeling something. Most people would say this is a good thing, but I don't think it is. Its exhausting. I never get a break. I'm constantly on the go. I don't feel things half-way, or just so-so. Why do I go to such extremes? I wish I could learn to control my emotions. On the outside I'm good at concealing how I truely feel, but inside my head I'm always going, never taking a rest. I know that this isn't normal, to feel things so intensly. I learned this a long time ago. I remember one time, in kindergarten, I got up to put my art supplies away before the teacher told us to. When she gently reprimanded me, I cried, and cried. I didn't cry because I thought she was being mean, though. I cried because I felt so guilty. How one feel such a strong emotion at such an early age? I've learned that it scares people when I am absolutely honest w/ them. They don't know how to respond to my constant outbursts. So I've learned to hide how I truely feel. I live behind a sheet of ice. I don't open up to people either. Never have I been able to tell another human being, to their face, how I honestly feel about them. I wrote an e-mail to Dan, that was the closest I've ever come to truely telling someone what I am feeling for them. I claimed that I was being completely honest w/ him. Well, I was honest with him, just not completely honest. I can't. I'd scare him. How can you tell someone, who isn't "available" that they mean the world to you? Just seeing him smile at me makes my entire day. A simple "hello", sends me to cloud nine. How can I tell him that when I don't get a "hello" or a "what's up", it drives me crazy. It dissappoints me. This is what I mean, about feeling things stronger than most people do. If I'm online, and he doesn't send me an instant message, it kills me. I get so dissappointed and upset. Now, I understand; he has other things he needs to do. Maybe he's busy. Or maybe there are ten other people talking to him. Or, maybe he just didn't realize I had signed on. Even though I realize these things, it still hurts just the same. It hurts as much as if he had deliberately avoided me or went out of his way to do something cruel to me. Why do I blow things out of prorportion? Its not the end of the world if he does not say hello to me. I know this. But, why then does it feel like the world's going to come to an end? I don't understand my own emotions. Why would I ever expect anybody else to? If I can't handle my own emotions, why would I be able to pass them off to someone else?

There's one that thing that really scares me. When I'm w/ Dan, I get dangerously close to letting down my guard. The barriers that I've worked so hard to build, to keep people out, slip. When I'm around most other people, I'm very careful about what I say. I always think before I speak. However, when I'm around Dan, I don't do this. I just say whatever pops into my head first. This scares me. Someday the first things that pops into my head is going to be something that shouldn't be let out. This terrifies me. I can't let this happen. Yeah, sure, when I'm around Britt, I just let it all hang loose. I just say whatever I'm thinking or feeling. But she's my best friend. People tell us we're one soul in two bodies. But Dan is different. Yes, I consider him one of my best guy friends, but w/ him there's more at stake. He's told me he likes me. In my e-mail to him I said the same to him, but I never let him know the extent of my feelings for him. That's something that would ruin what we have now. Last summer was awsome. I mean, I could talk w/ him about things, and just not care, b/c I thought there was nothing between us. But now, things are different. We've both told each other that we like each other, but he has a girlfriend. We've still been able to keep a comfortable friendship. But if I were to be completely honest, I'd scare him. Things wouldn't be the same. He would never be able to look at me the same way. I couldn't take that. Yes, I do care for him. But I also value his friendship greatly. I'd rather have him as a friend, than as nothing.

So, where have I gotten myself?

A.) I'm over emotional

B.) I scare people w/ my true self

C.) My love life is just a a lot of maybe's and what if's.

Pretty good, for one of the first entries. This has helped. It helps to voice my opinions, even if no one really, is going to read them. Hey, ya never know. Maybe some book contractor will stumble upon my diary, and decide that I have the writing style America is loking for. Ha, my little fantasies. I think it would help if I were a good writer, probably. Oh well. I've gotten the thoughts that swirl around in my head down. And that helps, so I will end this here. ELB

Before ~ After

Miss These?

Locking Up - January 21, 2004
Stuck in the Middle, and I Don't Like it - January 18, 2004
A Bowling Story - January 09, 2004
A New Year and Brand New Start - January 06, 2004
Girls are Worse the Ants - December 31, 2003