In This Sweet Surrender

September 22, 2003 ~ 9:14 p.m.
Scared

I'm such a mess right now, spiritually. I used to be so religious, and now, I don't know where I stand. The only thing that really keeps me teetering on the edge of this religion bandwagon is the fear of hell. I've grown up believing that people who accept Jesus into their hearts go to heaven, and everyone else goes to hell. It's a very narrow minded veiwpoint. I realize this.

The logical part of my brain says when you die, you die. That is it. There is nothing else. You just cease to exist. However, it's been ingrained in my head the fear of hell. I don't want to take the chance that the church is "right", and that all that don't accept Jesus into their hearts will spend the rest of etirnity being miserable in hell.

That's a really bad reason for staying with a religion, fear of the afterlife. It's so selfish.

But, then again. I just don't know. Maybe Musalm is the "true" religion. Or maybe Hinduism is. How can I tell? Each religiong claims to have proof that it is the one "true" religion.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I need something, though. I know that. I need something to trust in and to put my faith in.

I've been so scared lately. I'm terrified of the dark. I sleep with a light on in my room. How pathetic is that? A 17 year old girl, afraid to sleep in her own bedroom, in the dark. I'm ok during the day. It's just the night time that scares me. I'm afraid to open doors, I'm afraid to move around my house. I don't even know why. I'm just have this overwhelming fear that comes over me.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I never used to be this way. I never used to be this paranoid. What's wrong with me? What happened to make me so fearful? I honestly think it has something to do with my loss of faith in God.

But I don't know, maybe it's just my brain playing tricks with me. Maybe I'm doing this to myself.

I haven't been sleeping well either. It takes me a really long time to get to sleep. Then I usuallt wake up, and once again it takes me a really long time to get back to sleep.

My life is such a mess right now. Something is off. Something isn't right, and I don't know what it is. I want to believe that it's this whole religion issue, but what if it's not? What if there is just something wrong with me. That's the scariest thought of all.

ELB

Before ~ After

Miss These?

Locking Up - January 21, 2004
Stuck in the Middle, and I Don't Like it - January 18, 2004
A Bowling Story - January 09, 2004
A New Year and Brand New Start - January 06, 2004
Girls are Worse the Ants - December 31, 2003