In This Sweet Surrender

January 06, 2004 ~ 10:29 p.m.
A New Year and Brand New Start

I know, I know, my poor diary, I've neglected you again...

I'm going to lock this diary soon. I think it's time. For awhile it was a way for me to get attention, but now I'm learning more about myself, and I need to be able to write without worrying who is reading this.

I had a good New Year's Eve, it was a lot of fun. I won't go into the boring details, but I did get one thing I wanted, a kiss from Garrett.

He kissed me at midnight. It was a good way to start the New Year.

The thing is, now that I've started talking to Garrett, I want him more than ever. But I know he's not good for me. I know that if I did start something with him, I'd get hurt. He's not cruel, he wouldn't hurt me intentionally, but he doesn't like to restricted. He needs his freedom, and my clinginess would screw up everything. Still, all I do is pine away over him.

I have this saying, "if there's something that I want bad enough, I will stop at nothing to get it. That's all there is to it." It's what I've always said to myself. And up until this point its been true. If there is something realistic and if I put my mind to it, I will get it. I just have to want it bad enough.

Well, I want Garrett bad enough, but for the first time ever it won't be enough.

In his profile Garrett has a quote. It says "Don't doubt me, don't ever doubt me, you'll live to regret it." How do I tell him that I would be the one person that would never doubt him? How do I tell him that I'd be the one person that would always believe in him no matter what? If he says he will make it the theater world, then I will hold my breath and wait to see his debut on broadway. How do I tell him any of these things, expecially knowing that he doesn't want a "girlfriend" right now?

I don't know whether to just move on. Recognize him as the first that I fell in love with, and move on. Or, do I stay and put up a fight. Fighting is a risk, either I will end up hurt and possibly bitter, or I will end up getting what I've wanted for some time now. I don't know.

To be honest, and I realize how stupid this sounds, but I think I'm going to wait until my classes at the local community college start. Garrett goes to this college too, and I was kind of hoping that he'd be in one of my classes. I know its a stretch, but I can't help it. It's my hopeless romantic nature.

I don't know, and it just really makes things worse that I can't talk things over with any of my friends. They know him, and they know his reputation, and Id never be able to live it down.

I need to think things over a little more.

ELB

Before ~ After

Miss These?

Locking Up - January 21, 2004
Stuck in the Middle, and I Don't Like it - January 18, 2004
A Bowling Story - January 09, 2004
A New Year and Brand New Start - January 06, 2004
Girls are Worse the Ants - December 31, 2003